Public transport is one of those things that both makes life interesting and troublesome. There are probably lots of things to complain about – but I’m one of those people who sees the bright side of those sorts of things. I’m not a big fan of cars. I like that I take the bus – and I love when I get to take the train. But there’s one thing that my fellow passengers do that make me feel like hitting them with spades.

I like my morning routine and I smile when I get on the bus. I greet the driver, and I always make sure to thank them at the journey’s end. It just seems like something a human being should do. It makes that part of my day not just tolerable, but actually enjoyable.

I’d far rather sit and read a book than struggle at the wheel with morning traffic – and my large chauffeured vehicle helps me arrive more or less at work, more or less relaxed.

But nothing messes with my calm more than music out of the speaker of an mp3 cellphone.

I can put up with the odd smoker on the top deck – tobacco flavoured or otherwise, and mostly I can watch people unwrap a chocolate bar and throw the rubbish on the floor (I’ve only shouted at people once for that). That only happens occasionally – though the state of most of the buses here suggests it happens more often than I see it.

But it seems you can’t go for a bus ride without hearing hip hop, grime, r&b or bhangra at high, tinny volumes played by some ignorant tosser out of his mobile phone. Or her. The phenomenon seems to be both gender-balanced and racially inclusive, though it’s restricted to social retards.

It’s not that I don’t like the music – or the technology (naturally) – or that I require silence from my fellow passengers on a morning journey – I just hate bad sound. When you play music out of a cellphone, there’s no bass. In fact, there’s no treble either. It’s just a whole bunch of upper mids. 1kHz – 4kHz, give or take.

It distorts to hell. It’s noise pollution. Worse than the Tannoys at the train station.

I hate it with a passion, and that hatred spills over onto those evolution-averse brain donors with their fistfuls of buzzing chavsticks.

I mean, honestly – don’t you people like music? I know you’re not on the bus to make friends, but for God’s sake – have a bit of self respect and get yourselves a ghetto blaster. Or plug in some headphones. It’ll sound better and you’ll stop looking like a complete plank.

I like real hiphop. Yours sounds like it was made by bees. Piss off.